I grew increasingly jealous of those kids who got to stay at home and watch Saturday morning cartoons. I didn't know any of these kids of course, since the kids I knew were the ones at Saturday morning activities with me, but I was sure that some of them must exist somewhere. I figured that in order for Saturday Morning Cartoons to exist, there must be Saturday Morning Kids to watch them. And I wanted so badly to be one of them.
I complained. I begged. I dragged my feet out of the house. Why did I have to wake up and get dressed and go some place where there were kids (somewhere) who (allegedly) got to stay home and watch TV?
Well, finally, after years and years of hoping and wishing, my dream came true; I realized my life's goal of having weekend after weekend with Nothing To Do. I could sleep all day. I could eat nothing but plain Greek yogurt. Or I could stare at the wall.
Oh. The. Joy.
I didn't realize until recently what I had become. What's the right word for it? Hmm... Lazy? That might be the right word, but I'm too lazy to look up "lazy" in the thesaurus to find some synonyms to describe myself, so I guess we'll just stick with "lazy".
Once I accomplished my life's goal, I wondered why I didn't feel more, well, accomplished. Why didn't I feel like I'd done something great, something grand? Something that everyone and their mother (as if "everyone" didn't include mothers) would be jealous of?
I started to question my judgement. If my original life's goal was so off, maybe I just needed a new goal! So it was at that moment that I decided the best option would be to eat some plain Greek yogurt and stare at the wall. But after I did that, I wondered what other people did with their weekends, and I made a list to prove it.
Type 1: The Lower Manhattan-er:
These people work 100 hours a week, so some of that is on the weekend. Or maybe they're just banging secretaries.
*Note to self: look more into this type of work.
Type 2: People whose jobs happen to be on the weekends, who don't work 100 hours a week:
What a horrible way to spend your weekend if your job isn't even making you enough money to afford a butler. I mean, come on...
Type 3: People with jobs who have weekends off:
Somehow, they suddenly become crazypeople who do This activity and That activity with This person and That person (who they don't even seem to like very much). Then they spend the night getting completely hammered so that they they can go to work on Monday feeling "awesome" and "accomplished" and "psyched" (ie hungover, tired, and I-need-coffee-or-I'm-going-to-die-right-now-like).
Type 4: People with kids:
Yeah, like I'm even going to consider this one.
Type 5: Hippies:
Type 6: Hipsters:
Type 7: People in relationships:
Type 7: Jackie Chan:
Like saving the world and doing random flips and punching things and being generally fucking awesome.
I decided the best course of action would be to become Jackie Chan. Unfortunately, I didn't seem to be able to get this one to work no matter how many fortune cookies I stole (I blame you, Lindsay Lohan) (yes, that was a Freaky Friday reference) (yes, it is really disappointing when you see Chinese writing on a building and you think it's a restaurant, but it's actually a Chinese food supply store where you can't buy sesame chicken, but you can buy 50 sets of Chinese china made in China, lucky you).
I'm officially out of ideas.