Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Bike Ride... of DOOM!

Part One

This weekend, I decided to go on a bike ride.

Of doom.

This is my bike.

I bought it awhile ago on CraigsList from this older guy who was the nicest, coolest person ever. I wish he could be my spiritual guide or my guru or my librarian or something.

I don't have a picture of him, so here's a picture of Jackie Chan.

My bike was pretty inexpensive, despite my being from Colorado, where it's the law that your bicycle has to cost more than your car.

It's ok though, because I don't own a car.

I put on some clothes, which are not bike riding clothes at all. But my butt* looked really good in them, so I was sure that someone would ask if they could be my boyfriend.

Here is a pictures of my clothes.
*Butt not shown here

Then I got my sunglasses, but they were broken, because it is the destiny of sunglasses to break.

Then I put on my helmet and took another picture of myself.

Then I was ready to go!

Part Two

Ten feet.

When my bike chain fell off.

Luckily, I'm a genius, so this did not phase me.

Then I was ready to go!

When this car stopped halfway down the block.

Luckily, I'm a genius, so this did not phase me.

Then I was ready to go!

When a bus came up behind me and started honking at me.

I might be a genius, but this was getting ridiculous.

I mean, OK, bus driver man. I know you want to be my boyfriend, but your wanting to check me out is no reason to honk at me when you could just stop the bus, get out, and ask me for my number. 

Then I was ready to go!

So I got off my bike and walked.

Part Three

To the park!




(Who could TOTALLY ask to be my boyfriend!)

I rode and rode and rode!

Then I was thirsty.

So I said, "Dude, why is this water $3.00? This costs half at the regular store."

And he said, "Because this stand costs $150,000 in fees to run each year, not including taxes, or cost of goods."


Part Four

After having a nice, long bike ride, and after enjoying the beauty of the park, the nice weather, and the fact that I managed not to get hit by any cars, the day was a complete DISASTER because no one asked me if they could be my boyfriend even though my butt looked TOTALLY CUTE IN MY PANTS.

I mean, yeah... maybe it's "hard" to ask me out when I'm riding SUPER FAST because I am SUPER AWESOME at bike-riding, but that is no excuse.

Because my butt looked TOTALLY CUTE IN MY PANTS.

Luckily I'm a genius, so I made a graph:

The end.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Photo Diary of a Psychopath on a Wednesday Afternoon

Today I was going to the library for a lecture, so instead I went to Chipotle.

I got a chicken salad with chicken on it.

I put hot sauce on it, even though it made me cry.

Here's another picture of my salad.

Here's a picture of the bathroom code from my receipt.
(Like a fortune cookie, except it doesn't lie to you.)

Then, it was time to go home.

So instead, I walked around Lower Manhattan and had the following conversation with various people:

 Can I take a picture of you?


*Direct quote.

Here are my results:

Participant may or may not be called Marvin.

Participants may or may not be called Tyreese and Favio.

Participants may or may not be called Justin Timberpond and Bruno Venus.

Participant may or may not be called after 9pm.

Participant may or may not be called while taking a shower.

Gwen (unconfirmed)

Henry (unconfirmed)

Henry (confirmed)

What surprised me the most is that every male I asked said yes, and that none of them asked, "Why?" or "What is this for?" or "How come you aren't wearing any pants?"

However, the following is a conversation I had with various female humans:

Can I take your picture?


*Direct quote.

Just something I took a picture of.

In conclusion: 

Girls are smarter than boys.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Books(tores) are Sexxxxxxy

I frequently read in this position.

Chapter books have too many chapters. Ends of chapters encourage people to stop reading, which is bad. Because then Oprah wouldn't have a book club.
If I wrote a novel, there would be no chapters. So if someone was reading it and decided that they would put the book down at the end of the chapter, that would never happen. Actually, I wouldn't have paragraphs either—they encourage pauses. In fact, my whole novel will be one long run-on-sentence. That way, I don’t have to waste my time on “grammar” and “sentence structure” and could write the worst book ever, and get away with it. I mean, Twilight did.
The best story ever if you've never read any other stories ever.
Whoever came up with the idea to put coffee shops in bookstores was brilliant. Because there’s no way to ruin a book faster than to spill coffee on it, and there’s no way to force customers to purchase a book faster than to set them up to spill coffee on it.
I’ve heard that the only reason Barnes and Noble is still in business is because of their “Nook”—their electronic reading device—and I agree with that. What better way to make higher profits than to provide customers with an even more expensive item that they can spill coffee on?
The original nook.
Other industries should start selling products along with the products’ nemesis as well to force customers to ruin, and therefore buy, more products.
Like cell phones at the toilet bowl store.
Or cds at the Frisbee store.
Or dryers at the left sock store.
A left sock.
Everyone should judge books by their cover, because good artwork means that the illustrator was inspired enough by the book to draw something good. If I were designing a cover for a crap book, my cover would look like crap. Because I'm a very accurate illustrator. 
I would make a nice cover for a crappy book if a publisher gave me enough money for it, though. Maybe even though the book was boring or dumb or no one else wanted it, they would throw money at it because they felt sorry for it. 

I know how that feels, being a stripper and all.