So I stared him for awhile. I stared at his dapper clothes. I stared at his expensive watch. I stared at his "I'm not trying too hard hair", trying to figure out how much of a lie that really was.
Then all of a sudden, his shoulders started shaking. I thought to myself, "Maybe he has the hiccups".
But then they started shaking more, so I thought to myself, "Maybe he's that guy who was on The Today Show who had the hiccups FOREVER!" But then I remembered that that was a 12-year-old girl.
So then I thought, "Maybe his shoulders are shaking because he has Tourette's!" It was at that moment that I noticed the tears coming down his face, and I realized the truth of his shaking shoulders. "You poor thing," I thought to myself. "You don't have to be sad that you have Tourette's."
Surprisingly, People Crying in Public, or PCP, is not such a rare occurrence in the big apple. I see approximately 2 PCPs per week--and I rarely go outside.
But as the wise sage Rihanna once said, "You're so ugly when you cry. Please, just cut it out."
Yes, Rihanna, I couldn't have said it better myself.
So, to help the population, I've compiled a list of things you could be doing instead of crying in public.
1. Stop crying in public.
2. Ride the subway without crying in public.
3. Take the elevator without crying public.
4. Eat a hamburger without crying public.
5. Buy a sweater vest without crying in public.
As you can see, there are a plethora of activities you could be doing instead of crying in public.
Because just as the wise sage Rihanna once said, "I'mma make you my bitch cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake."
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Editors note from 2016: Uhmmmmmmmm what? I totally cry in public like everyday. 2012 me was so emotionally immature.