Sunday, March 17, 2013

Books(tores) are Sexxxxxxy

I frequently read in this position.

Chapter books have too many chapters. Ends of chapters encourage people to stop reading, which is bad. Because then Oprah wouldn't have a book club.
If I wrote a novel, there would be no chapters. So if someone was reading it and decided that they would put the book down at the end of the chapter, that would never happen. Actually, I wouldn't have paragraphs either—they encourage pauses. In fact, my whole novel will be one long run-on-sentence. That way, I don’t have to waste my time on “grammar” and “sentence structure” and could write the worst book ever, and get away with it. I mean, Twilight did.
The best story ever if you've never read any other stories ever.
Whoever came up with the idea to put coffee shops in bookstores was brilliant. Because there’s no way to ruin a book faster than to spill coffee on it, and there’s no way to force customers to purchase a book faster than to set them up to spill coffee on it.
I’ve heard that the only reason Barnes and Noble is still in business is because of their “Nook”—their electronic reading device—and I agree with that. What better way to make higher profits than to provide customers with an even more expensive item that they can spill coffee on?
The original nook.
Other industries should start selling products along with the products’ nemesis as well to force customers to ruin, and therefore buy, more products.
Like cell phones at the toilet bowl store.
Or cds at the Frisbee store.
Or dryers at the left sock store.
A left sock.
Everyone should judge books by their cover, because good artwork means that the illustrator was inspired enough by the book to draw something good. If I were designing a cover for a crap book, my cover would look like crap. Because I'm a very accurate illustrator. 
I would make a nice cover for a crappy book if a publisher gave me enough money for it, though. Maybe even though the book was boring or dumb or no one else wanted it, they would throw money at it because they felt sorry for it. 

I know how that feels, being a stripper and all.


  1. You crack me the hell up.

  2. So I'm kind of into Ted Talks...have you seen this one? I'm pretty sure you would like it! It's about designing books.

    Let me know what you think! Personally, I really like the part where he designs an intriguing cover for a somewhat obscure book, and it ends up selling really well, probably all because of the cover.